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Uh oh. I think I’m a raccoon.

@unroll.skywriter.blue unroll please

This is hysterical 🤣

The raccoon 🦝 sensed all the tasty goodies tucked away in your food cubbies and helped themselves. 😋 "Mmmm...these humans have the good stuff...I'll take a pack of these, a case of this, one of those..." 😂😂😂

Raccoon Shopping AdventureAlt: Raccoon Shopping Adventurestatic.klipy.com

OK this delightful crime scene report absolutely earned a follow.

@katharinehayhoe.com I, for one, would not be surprised to learn that there was a gang of raccoons involved in this caper. I, for one, also thought it was remarkably considerate of them to have left a few things for you and to have set that lid beside the jar. --Jimothy

Once, when we were staying in a cottage at a winery near here, we were told (1) to make sure we closed the door properly at night and (2) not to leave food on the outdoor table. The local kangaroos were known to scavenge and had a particular fondness for granola.

I loved reading your post

What a giggle in my day. Thank you for the report.

How did he get in? I hope he doesn't tell his mates.

Are you sure it was just one? I'm a big dude and would have been hard pressed to finish all of that.

I stopped one from entering the kitchen last year. It ripped a huge hole in the window screen and just stared at me at 2 am. That was an odd text to send my landlord.

What a great thread. Thanks for the laugh!!

Ack!

@badposter.lol sounds like you had an interesting night

🤣😂🤣

Wow amazing smile I love you nose

You have all the fun Katharine! All I get in this apartment 8 floors up is skunk smells and hornets nesting in the exterior bricks. Oh how I would love a friendly eye-masked friend to visit and clean up my counter :-) (just too funny!)

The runaway favorite? Butter tarts. He painstakingly peeled the plastic wrap off every single one, then polished off all four - raisins and raisinless - before moving onto the fruit tarts. Six tarts feels like enough to put a raccoon into a sugar coma. But no, he continued.

Homemade Canadian Butter TartsAlt: Homemade Canadian Butter Tartsstatic.klipy.com

Are you sure this wasn't the Bumpus' dogs conga line of multiple raccoons?

Man Says Sons of BitchesALT: Man Says Sons of Bitchesstatic.klipy.com

😂😂😂😂 Excellent report. A few observations: 1. At least he seemed to be meticulously neat during his raid. 2. He’s going to be needing those fiber pills after all that food. 3. Are you sure there was only one? With that amount of food that was eaten, it sounds like a full Viking raiding party!

This guy knows how to party

We got hit by raccoons while yurt-camping. They opened the cooler & took the eggs, sausages, bread, and all the imported cheese. They left the domestic cheese.

A couple of points from someone who helped raise two set sets of raccoons sibs years ago: 1) the correct term of endearment for raccoons is “beezers”, and if you’re on 1st name basis, “beezelies” is acceptable

Sounds like you made the happiest raccoon in the world

You made his day. Obviously, he did not make your day.

I'm crying laughing at this amazing story. Im so sorry he made all your beautiful new food inedible, that sucks!! However, you have truly made lemonade with this thread. 🏆🏆

This is one of the finest threads I've ever read. Worth every scone and cookie.

They are highly intelligent, naturally curious & exceptional at learning. They solve problems & circumvent barriers with ninja-like stealth. You'll rarely hear them unless they are in conflict with each other. Those with whom I've interacted were amazing. My choice of profile image is not random.

Pretty impressive.

He was belly crawling home.

Fat Raccoon and Black CatALT: Fat Raccoon and Black Catstatic.klipy.com

Mama coon and her kits visited each evening for cherries. I pray they never get inside our house.

Truly charming story. He ate soooo much!

Why are we supposing just one? Maybe a family?

They love to peel things! My sister and I used to peek out of our tent and watch them peel M&Ms. They only liked the chocolate insides so we’d find colorful fragments of M&M casings all over the picnic table in the morning.

OMG this is hilarious. Thank you for brightening my day and cautioning me to keep my door closed at night. We have raccoons almost every night eating the native snails in our pond – I bet they don't get the sugar rush yours did!

Видео

Well, if fiber supplements work on raccoons like they do on humans - let’s hope he doesn’t visit the property soon.

Attention @ewacat.bsky.social

This is exactly what happens if I don't fall asleep before my gummy munchies kick in😩

Read this to my racoon-obsessed son (age 12), loved it! His feedback: Most likely a family of racoons, not just one. And they don't have true opposable thumbs, just 5 incredibly dextrous fingers that help them grip and manoeuvre things like we can. (Every day's a school day).

Are there any vets on Bluesky that know how to treat a raccoon for recently-acquired Type 2 Diabetes?

This thread is the funniest thing I've read in weeks. Laugh-out-loud funny. I only laugh out loud while reading Dave Barry or David Sedaris. Is your middle name "David?"

Omg hahaha

Saving the Galaxy does require a lot of energy

Wow! That raccoon can pack away a lot of sugar!

@badposter.lol no way. you didn’t.

🥰🥰🥰

Have you recently moved to Seattle? Have you been Jimothy-ed?

Anyone blaming a raccoon is just plain wrong. It was probably this chicken that did it.

I can’t tell you how much I loved this post, laughing my way all through it. But very glad it wasn’t me having to clean up after him 😂😂😂😂😂

Just hoping its not anywhere nearby when those fiber gummies kick in.

Family Guy Peter Griffin ClenchesALT: Family Guy Peter Griffin Clenchesstatic.klipy.com

Are you sure it wasn’t your teenage son?

What is more impressive : armed with no opposable thumbs in fact. Raccoons have not.

Love the optimism re each scone. Maybe this will be different..

Very illuminating review! Reminds me of when a bear broke into the cottage a few summers ago 😂 Favourites: ✔️garbage ✔️Yorkshire Gold tea ✔️zaatar ✔️flour Not interested: ✖️fresh fruit and veg ✖️regular Yorkshire tea ✖️dog food 🐻🍽️🤷

How quiet were they through all of this? Are any of you light sleepers (for decibel reference)?

Excellent thread 😂

This reminds me of the time a troupe of baboons raided the kitchen in the cottage where we stayed for a few days in Mapungubwe national park (South Africa). It being a national park, we had brought all our food in. Four people, four days worth. It went exactly how you think it went.

Eleventy-nine hundred out of ten, do recommend (the thread, not the furry marauder).

Are you certain you just don’t have teenagers?

So a Violet Beauregarde-sized raccoon just rolled his way back out into the forest.

Where was the cat when all this was happening? “Just don’t mess with my food and we’re good” ? I am really impressed at the appetite displayed. Could do some real damage at an AYCE buffet.

The sassafras iced tea is what's really getting me here 😆this made me hungry

Thank you for sharing this delightful adventure. Hard to be mad at such a silly wild critter, as frustrating as the aftermath was. 🤣

He could have at LEAST brought you a personally paw printed autograph by cousin Jimathy. Smh.

Sheath of sleep in the black of the bed: From outside this dream womb Comes a clatter Comes a clatter And finally the mind rises up to a fact Like a fish to a hook A raccoon at the kitchen! A falling of metal bowls, the clashing of jars, the avalanche of plates... From "True Night" by Gary Snyder

This is fascinating. My local raccoon wants only the cat food. I’ve tried leaving them fruits, veggies, buns, nuts, etc. But no, pushes all that aside to get to the cat food.

Very Hungry Caterpillar: Raccoon Edition. Can I share this with my UU congregation as a story for all ages? I've already been thinking about why we are entranced with Jimothy in this moment - now I'm thinking of a whole service about the lessons we learn from raccoons, titled "Hot Racoon Summer".

He certainly won't be Slimothy!

I should have been a raccoon cardiologist

Ps your snacks and store cupboard goodies are off the scale nice 🤣 if I knew where you lived I might be found asleep having munched through you kitchen 🤣🤣🤣

How did it get in? and goodness what an appetite!! 🦝🦝🦝🦝

This sounds like a considerate fellow with perfectly reasonable tastes in food. And a healthy commitment to fiber!

Former animal keeper/vet tech thoughts: are your cats up to date on the rabies shots? Throw away anything you can that was touched. If there was any poop, use PPE to clean it up, and (again) throw it away if you can. You don't want brain worms. Even if it might get you a government position. 😅

But...why do you think it was only "one?" Sounds like a gang.

Epic!

The trash panda did good! 🤣

reminds me of a camping trip: we thought food would be safe in the hatch of the kayak. tearing open every bag, raccoons really liked granola bars, gorp and oatmeal; took bites out of cucumbers, apples, tomatoes but obviously didn't like them. made a mess and cut our trip short. lessons learned!!

He stole the fiber supplement? ... Poor little guy, those are meant for humans. I imagine he got a rather unwelcome surprise an hour or two later.

I am almost sorry. This is your best thread ever. It may catapult you even higher as a public speaker.

🤓 akchullay, racoons don't have opposable thumbs, they have 5 digits that go in the same direction. They do have very dextrous hands, if they also had opposable thumbs they'd be unstoppable

Possibly related 🙃

This is going to be my next excuse for a late-night snack binge, too …