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It's not eye contact if your eyes aren't physically touching each other

What's a good chat up line I've tried all the classics like 'do you come here often' and 'my, that's a delightful blouse' but nothing.

I’m sorry Timmy but bowling and movies are only for the wealthy families now and your mother and I barely make four hundred thousand dollars a year combined

Imagine living in someone’s head rent free and they have their air conditioning set to 78.

I'm not saying I have a dirty mind, I'm just saying when I take my vitamins the voice in my head is telling me to swallow it all like a good girl.

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same grim reaper costume

all of my personalities turned out to be cake

I’m trying to re-home a small poodle that barks a LOT. If interested DM me and I'II jump over my neighbor's fence and get it for you.

the design in my latte was a mushroom cloud is that good

I'm not on TikTok, so there's never any danger of me capturing you in the background of a video; however, you might accidentally get described in the more lawless margins of my notebook.

I've never seen a swan wearing a wrist watch so my question to you is how do they know if they're on time?

It's important for me to teach my kids to be independent and self-reliant, because I won't be around forever, especially if I win the lottery

you can’t scare me I own a 10X magnifying mirror

I'm done with dating apps. I always end up in a snuff film

Pretty confused about the secret third thing, tbh.

maybe baby likes it in the corner, johnny maybe sitting in the corner allows her to see all angles of the room but did you ask her? no you’re too busy pelvis thrusting

*walking halfway up the stairs* “eh, I’ll finish tomorrow”

No one is asking me to, but if I had to give up cutlery, I’d survive without forks

I just told the Jehovah Witnesses at my door that I wanted to speak to their manager