Профиль

they’re slicing me real thin and putting me on sandwiches today

For Sale: Shoe Baby, True Abomination

Mark from Ark

why do they lock us out of the space capsule

i'm reporting this

If she locks you out of the space capsule, she's just not into you

i would like for my tombstone to read: you're allowed to dig this one up, you won't get in trouble

it is delicious

[with a mouthful of dog shit] I told you I couldn't be hypnotized

i love deer (as friends)

i would prefer, for example, to be a falcon

Being human is so embarrassing

I'm old fashioned. I believe you should hand write all 5000 pages of your manifesto.

Anytime I had to meet a buyer from Craigslist, I would call at least 3 family members on the way to let them know how much I hate them, just in case.

The crack of the bat. The smell of the grass. The roar of the crowd. You’ve just been viciously attacked by the serial killer they call Baseball Steve

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same grim reaper costume

The horse op-ed is an instant classic. I can't tell you how much joy this piece gives me. It should be taught in every introductory writing class in no small part because the horse arguments are so compelling. "I have noticed that human children get to eat cake. But I am bigger than the children."

My review of Long John Silver's

So weird that hot dogs come in packages of 10 and my wife left me for a magician

Taurus: Look at the person to your left, now to your right. Statistically speaking, 3 of you are going to die today at the hands of Volnak the Destroyer.