Профиль

Aries: No one can ever take away your dreams or the emptiness you feel.

Taurus: Look at the person to your left, now to your right. Statistically speaking, 3 of you are going to die today at the hands of Volnak the Destroyer.

Gemini: 55% of Geminis will be moved to a new star sign this week. If you’re reading this, you may have been born under the sign of the Baboon.

Cancer: Stop punishing yourself for things you can’t control. Punish yourself for being a bad person.

Leo: If creating awkward moments in social situations was a crime you would be public enemy number one.

Virgo: Stars are doing some brand new shit up there, I can't get a handle on it. I recommend you decide to think that's a good thing. What else can you really do? Actually, let's make it official: it's Smiles Week! The week when it's pointless to feel afraid or cause a panic.

Libra: If they wanted to talk, they’d text you back. But you should probably leave some more increasingly strident voicemails. At 3 AM. Just in case.

Scorpio: Take heart- in some cultures, bed bugs are considered lucky.

Sagittarius: You may find it difficult to juggle your relationships. Try destroying a few until you reach the right balance.

Capricorn: Stare directly into the sun for 3 minutes each day at noon, you are delusional enough to absorb its power.

Aquarius: They say fortune favors the brave; sadly what you've got isn't bravery—it's recklessness.

Pisces: The future is bright (you lost your sunglasses).