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wow bro you seriously have a Salt Life sticker on your jeep and you don’t even drink dolphin milk

best news possible

wow bro you seriously have a Salt Life sticker on your jeep and you don’t even drink dolphin milk

whenever I see a woman carrying a yoga mat I like to imagine she’s concealing a human arm in there in an attempt to covertly dispose of a body one limb at a time

whenever I see a woman carrying a yoga mat I like to imagine she’s concealing a human arm in there in an attempt to covertly dispose of a body one limb at a time

It's dangerous to go alone. Take this (the key to the locked up deodorants at CVS)

If you’re in line to kiss my ass, cut the line and descend upon me

I’m sorry Timmy but bowling and movies are only for the wealthy families now and your mother and I barely make four hundred thousand dollars a year combined

This dude sounds cool as hell

I’m trying to re-home a small poodle that barks a LOT. If interested DM me and I'II jump over my neighbor's fence and get it for you.

if eating in bed is wrong I don’t wanna be right

Aww shucks, this would be my dream job tbh

I’m sorry Timmy but bowling and movies are only for the wealthy families now and your mother and I barely make four hundred thousand dollars a year combined

Cracker-in-chief crumbles under pressure

I got a breaking news alert on my watch and I need to set my preferences so the only notification I get like that is THE notification because the CEO of Cracker Barrel stepping down does not rise to the level

Cyclospora has all the same symptoms as my normal anxiety so how do I know I don't have it or both

The entire point of professional bull riding is just to hang on as if that isn’t what we’re all doing all the time

I love you as much as I love the front right burner on my stove.

i bet the first guy to whistle scared the shit out of everyone

Call me a stickler but I don’t think I should have to pay for a whole cake when most of it was hiding a stripper