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I love chicken pot pie, but not necessarily in that order.

Mechanic: what kind of sound is it making? Me: pls don’t make me do sound effects

this pizza party could’ve been a meeting

[having a panic attack] a spreadsheet will help

if you’re new to bsky we call posts buttholes “nice butthole man” “thanks I like your butthole too”

of course I reposted myself, Carol, we're in a recession. maybe if you did some reposting now and then, it wouldn't have to be like this

Interviewer: list five words that describe your character Me: are you fucking kidding me

FYI there is no "real" reason why Rome "fell." Its power waned for the usual, mundane reasons: widening gap between rich and poor, inability to maintain infrastructure, incompetent leadership, pointless wars, endless persecution of marginalized groups who performed vital labor, etc.

what if cats sense you’re dying a little inside and biscuits is just kitty cpr

Smashing Pumpkins: the killer in me is the killer in you Me: settle down Dexter

this everything bagel needs more Xanax

It’s ok Mr. Lifeguard, this is my emotional support toaster

When I get really angry I flip tables. Usually the little pizza tables that come with delivery because they're tiny and easy to flip.

the design in my latte was a mushroom cloud is that good

🏆

"we needed this rain" he said midwesternly

Them: why don’t you worry about yourself Me: oh, i assure you, i will

me, a terrible actress: *stars in a one-woman autobiographical show* critic: congratulations. you just played yourself

A self portrait of me when Monday walks in the room

[at the funeral home looking at urns] do you price match?