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😂

I am not greedy, I don't need to win the Mega Millions or Powerball. In fact, I would be fine with simply winning the state lotto for a measly couple million.

Anytime someone expresses a preference for poached eggs, I can’t help thinking that the ones I’ve purchased legally will probably taste just as good.

Necromancing the stone.

I miss the old days when people would just cough once then quietly pass away

does vs does idk lol 🤷🏻‍♀️

you’ll have to put your feet in the stirrups, but, you do you

Eddie borrowed his cousin Junior’s IROC-Z so he could go see his buddy Kevin play drums for a 38 Special cover band downtown tonight at the Elks Lodge and he says you can come too if you kick in five bucks for gas.

Interviewer: list five words that describe your character Me: Which one should I choose?

Struck by lightning once, shame on me. Struck by lightning TWICE? Naw, I'm not goin' to the pool while it storms!

😂

my gynecologist: what

roses are red, if shoes rhymed with goes, tomorrow you’d

No you misunderstood, I meant “punk ass bitch” as a huge compliment.

A passion for opiates is just poppy love.

This day in history. 2010. World Hepatitis Day. A day to raise awareness and encourage prevention and treatment of Hepatitis A, B, C, D, E, and I think coming soon to a friend or family member near you, thanks to the efforts of the current US administration, F and G.

lettuce pray 🙏🏼

so i’m just supposed to close my eyes and let my body rest and repair itself while my mind goes on a journey? would you listen to yourself, that’s insane.

OH. COME. ON.

I don’t want to die peacefully in my sleep.. I’d rather be surrounded by force ghosts of loved ones who have gone before me while I do something brave.