Профиль

For sale: one anaconda Suddenly hates buns because they're going gluten-free.

New personality just dropped

I'll take a dozen onion bagels.

IDEA: high school football players tackling their Moms for charity

What if I was a fox patrolling the night, unseen and unknown, under a blanket of stars

I doubt this hotel is really haunted but just in case I am keeping my eyes open for any appearances by Jack Nicholson or creepy twins.

The bagel shop is my favorite place in the morning where people of all races, colors and creeds are singularly united by their irritability.

My grandma texted me her spaghetti sauce recipe and included a picture of the ingredients arranged neatly on her counter and it’s the best thing I’ve ever gotten from her. 🥹

Have you ever watched a little league soccer? It’s just 11 small humans running around trying to reenact a Benny Hill chase scene.

A pancake is a waffle that failed the engineering inspection and lost its structural integrity

My oven mitt has protected hands that repeatedly ignored basic survival instincts

OH. COME. ON.

Defying the laws of diminishing returns by adding a massive glob of surplussity times a gazillion

Winnie the PoohPoster for kids

There are 1.5 million people on Bluesky at any given moment. I am blocked by 510 people or .034%. You folks ain't shit. Butthole.

i heard you'd like to help whitewash my fence

can’t rn, sufferin succotashing

I’m overall an unremarkable human in the larger scheme of things and I’m very much okay with that fact. But every so often an especially weird thing I do makes me think “surely I’m not the only one but the percentage of others like me has to be significantly small here” and that is enough

Never beating the dead horse accusations