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My wife was correct that I sat on the remote “somewhere stupid.” She also nailed the fact that she’d find it in my buttocks.

due to the recent water shortages my local pub now serves beer at full strength.

I just heard cheap sunglasses. It's my fav zz top song bc of the wooooo wooooo part. You know what I mean. You love it too 🎶

My therapist says I have storage issues. I told him, “Sir, you should see the warehouse where they keep every skeet I ever deleted.”

It's not a "dry heat" or a "wet heat." It's an "I'm-going-to-claw-my-own-skin-off-and-make-a-tent-out-of-it" heat.

Whenever someone tells me to believe it or not…well what the fuck else am I gonna do?

just spent 3 hours doing yard work *  * looking for my gloves in the shed

The fact that I'm not on reality TV yet really sucks for all of you that watch it.

The difference between the old me & the new me, is the new me is getting old.

I'm 100% sure that I would never have sex in a porta potty ----Tequila: LMFAO

[babysitting] Nephew: Can we listen to music? Me: OK, but not very loud. Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears? Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

I love chicken pot pie, but not necessarily in that order.

Having sex with a Gemini is like having a threesome with only two people.

Mechanic: what kind of sound is it making? Me: pls don’t make me do sound effects

IDEA: high school football players tackling their Moms for charity

The bagel shop is my favorite place in the morning where people of all races, colors and creeds are singularly united by their irritability.

I stopped playing the ‘dead pool’ game after my so called friends started putting me at the top of their lists.

I love my grandkids more than air. But some days, I’d trade them for a quiet bathroom break and a cold beer.

Schrodinger's fucking strait

Deaf people can feel this process and it’s relatable.