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[babysitting] Nephew: Can we listen to music? Me: OK, but not very loud. Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears? Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

[bar fight] Him: You think you’re tough? Me: *maintains eye contact while slowly biting into a head of lettuce* Him: ʰᵒˡʸ ˢʰⁱᵗ

I just realized “adult” means “toward the end” and died a little

I promise I genuinely followed for her wit, not her avi ~ me explaining to my wife my fondness for the posts of @Miss_Sassy_Minx_Foxy_Princess_MILF

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

This day in history. 2010. World Hepatitis Day. A day to raise awareness and encourage prevention and treatment of Hepatitis A, B, C, D, E, and I think coming soon to a friend or family member near you, thanks to the efforts of the current US administration, F and G.

Maybe the love of my life just couldn’t open the lid to his coffin

This season of America really sucks.

searching for humanity in people’s eyes today in a government run building that is designed to make us hate each other as a treat

I'm so influenced by the internet that I looked in disbelief at the Moon tonight because it's absolutely blindingly white.

I have zero motivation to work and unlimited motivation to spend my paycheques.

I’ve heard to turn the other cheek, but I believe it likely a mistranslation.

driving through a rough part of town at night with my windows all the way down and Christopher Cross at full volume

[me, just existing] well, this is embarrassing

I don’t need a recipe for disaster, I just throw it all together

Tomorrow isn’t promised, make a terrible decision today

Every time you speak, the elephant in the room does jerk-off motions behind your back.

I'm more grey goose than silver fox

Standing in the exit lane of the parking lot & letting the striped wooden gate slowly pound me into the ground.

I'm not on TikTok, so there's never any danger of me capturing you in the background of a video; however, you might accidentally get described in the more lawless margins of my notebook.