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Horrifying if literal: finger sandwiches

everything's the worst, people are the worst, so i smoked some weed and then realized i am also the worst.

*looks longlingly at buzzards circling up above me* It's about time, guys...

Well worth the wait. 🦝

Stay to watch for the 1:08 moment 😆 #Jimothy

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

I’m at the saddest happy hour ever. Even the drinks don’t wanna be here.

Don’t let them kid you…last is most certainly least.

People who dance upon my grave will just be following a request in my will.

It's very Canadian of me to say that I'm out and about

Cyclospora has all the same symptoms as my normal anxiety so how do I know I don't have it or both

Call me a stickler but I don’t think I should have to pay for a whole cake when most of it was hiding a stripper

My pet chicken has a learning disability so yes I can too park here!

I can’t believe it’s not butter II: the buttering

it's always "where's Mitch McConnell?" and never "good things come to those who wait"

The invitation said “come as you are” so I arrived wearing a tutu and a pair of pantyhose stretched over my head.

I’m trying to re-home a small poodle that barks a LOT. If interested DM me and I'II jump over my neighbor's fence and get it for you.

chugged a drink and now i can hear myself slosh

This weather got me looking like a rotisserie chicken with anxiety

I enjoy turning famous color photos into black-and-white photos, just out of spite.