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My first job was elevator phone answerer and most people get stuck because they just want someone to talk to, to tell them it's okay to go up through the trapdoor

🫂♥️ Well, she couldn't be anymore wrong. I'm sorry you had to go through that. It still hurts, regardless. I hope your day improves from here.

Have you seen today's news? Shocking, isn't it! ~me, every day.

You say bad dad dancing like there’s any other kind.

Imagine if you will a world in which social media doesn’t exist. You’re welcome.

You may have faked all your orgasms but so what, I faked every one my dick pics!

There just aren't enough people calling each other a silly goose these days.

A spoonful of sugar helps the Caipirinhas go down.

Can’t, busy flushing my drafts.

Would you mind if I just don't?

Necromancing the stone.

corrugated brian

Never pay bills until the envelopes turn pink.

Especially these days...

Do you even know that you peaked in high school, bro?

I stopped playing the ‘dead pool’ game after my so called friends started putting me at the top of their lists.

Why would somebody lie about liking big butts?

I'm sorry I told your kid that hindsight meant looking at butts professionally.

I’d pick up where I left off but I forgot what I was doing already.

woah marketplace going for my jugular