Профиль

i bet the first guy to whistle scared the shit out of everyone

JOURNALIST: when will it be safe to eat lettuce again TRUMP: I don't know RABBIT WHO IS ALSO PRESENT: what the fuck do you mean you don't know

With. Might as well make it count.

When you eat Taco Bell an hour before your wedding:

I can’t start a new book at 9pm, that’s a terrible idea

I don’t care how nice you think you are but if my dog doesn’t like you I don’t like you

when I said “how’s your ice cream” I meant give me the rest of it

I'm at my most Raspberry Beret when I walk in through the out door out door

I miss the old days when people would just cough once then quietly pass away

rescued this box turtle from getting run over am basically steve irwin

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed. Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

I was asked to leave church for wearing my “Deport Jesus” t-shirt. Again.

Every morning my final dream is Christopher Walken's face whispering "wake up"

They say to live as if today was your last. How about if I live as if I was already dead?

watched the odyssey last night. film ruined by everyone speaking english instead of ancient greek.

The Kool Aid Man ladles directly from his head, saying "Take this when you are thirsty and drink, for this is my blood"

My favorite thing to do on a bike ride is to catch a golfer mid-swing with my bell.

I ate asbestos as a child, which should answer a lot of questions about me.

He's a ten but says his favourite ocean is the specific