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I should start grifting

Whenever someone tells me to believe it or not…well what the fuck else am I gonna do?

if you’re having a bad day at work imagine how an astronaut feels when they drop their phone into the space toilet

"I'm training for a marathon," said the guy who walked to the mailbox and called it cardio.

If you’re doing it right … the clit will find you.

Has any woman who has a cat(s) ever actually felt insulted by some random dude calling her a "cat lady"? It's a pet, my guy. You can't hurt my feelings by accusing me of liking cats (or dogs). It's like trying to mock me for liking flowers or chocolate or kindness. They're all objectively good.

A baby gate but just to keep me from eating too much cheese

Mechanic: what kind of sound is it making? Me: pls don’t make me do sound effects

People are wrong. The room does light up after you leave

logging on to judge you

Eddie borrowed his cousin Junior’s IROC-Z so he could go see his buddy Kevin play drums for a 38 Special cover band downtown tonight at the Elks Lodge and he says you can come too if you kick in five bucks for gas.

The answer to every question

Same

sometimes I just tell my brain what it wants to hear

Him: I hate your guts Me: well you could never reach them anyways

I’m trying to re-home a small poodle that barks a LOT. If interested DM me and I'II jump over my neighbor's fence and get it for you.

If you give a mouse a cookie, he is going to ask you for $14,000, you calamitous boob.

5 signs that the rapture is nigh (number 3 will surprise you!)