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Please don't be super hot and a moron, that makes me sad

I don't want perfection. I want a life with handwritten notes tucked into books and flowers that weren't bought for an occasion.

The internet is secreting a toxin more deadly than any tree frog today. Do not lick your phone.

*flipping through a calendar* no no no this will never do we need more weekends

doing the worm but it’s just me trying unsuccessfully to get up off the floor

toes are like the fingers of the feet

A cool thing to say before someone shoots you would be "those bullets better be silver, playboy"

My precious child, when you saw only one set of footprints in the sand, that's when the giant eagle picked me up and carried me away. You must hunt down this bird and avenge me.

People who hate the word “moist”: I advise you never to read a recipe for sticky toffee pudding.

that… explains a lot

i love thinking of jokes and then finding out someone else did it 87 years ago in an AOL chatroom

sorry for commenting “seems like AI” on your pregnancy announcement

we say this or that will be written on our tombstones as if that shit won't all be QR codes in 15 years

It’s eating at me that so many of you haven’t seen the movie Soylent Green

Breakthrough: I finally realized my core wound with my sister is that she refuses to acknowledge how fucking hilarious I am

the name of the wind is Rustle, actually

[wine & paint night] Wife: wtf is that Me: Rihanna fighting Godzilla in machu picchu Wife: Drunk Guy Behind Me: that's fuckin rad

the dairy queen is just a figurehead the dairy parliament is the true seat of power

bartender: why the long face? me: i just had it lengthened

[socrates] “No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable." [me] did this bitch just call me lazy