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when it comes to bad puns, these are gold

A coat made of precious metals would be unbearably heavy, but consider the silver lining

is it too late or can i start a round of discourse by writing an bitchy intellectual takedown of the Super Mario Brothers Movie

nice pin of the queen and king- oh

i don't know if my belly fat is stubborn because i've never asked it to do anything

The Subway commercial shows 7 meatballs on their sub but they only ever give me 6 so they owe me like 1200 meatballs

“what child is this” bruh you wrote the damn song why you askin’ me

I wasn't made for this life sucking 40 hour work week, I was made to endlessly roam a lonely seashore at night in a diaphonous gown scaring the locals

I'll show you my drawer full of fast food condiment packets if you show me yours

A good way to lose weight is to not have money to buy food.

I'm really dropping the ball here. I never introduced you to Bagheera and Leela. I never introduced myself either, but that's less important.

[me, waking up] damn, i really miss being asleep

All of the love poems I wrote you were to the tune of "My Sharona" Every single one

but there are no freak parks

bestie: where are you getting your colonoscopy done? me: in my butthole

Generational wealth, but it’s just an endless supply of Lego

Yeah this guy is right. We don’t put chunks of ham in our jello anymore either.

Doc: you know what helps with depression and doesn’t cost you a dime?! Me: please say posting Doc: EXERCISE! Me: fuck

If I'd known back then that you could ruin someone's life forever just by giving them the wrong coloured cup I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.