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Jimothy spoke in class today 🎶

being tall means i’m always bumping my head on floating cubes and then having coins rain down

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you’re about to fail a sobriety test

how many fuck arounds does it take to find out

i for one am glad the internet is nothing but bots now just means i can go outside finally

And star wipe to me crying

Nobody likes it when i post videos of smiling practice

given what we know about birds, you know dinosaurs fucken loved to dance

[bar fight] Him: You think you’re tough? Me: *maintains eye contact while slowly biting into a head of lettuce* Him: ʰᵒˡʸ ˢʰⁱᵗ

my sword glows when pork is near

thinking about throwing a dinner party with a cuck chair where one randomly selected guest doesn't get to eat. don't forget to smash that follow button for more 𝕨𝕠𝕣𝕕𝕤 and 𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕥𝕖𝕟𝕥

i bet the first guy to whistle scared the shit out of everyone

[me, just existing] well, this is embarrassing

If you guys were any funnier, well that'd be great

Me: I used to think He-Man and She-Ra were boning, but then I found out they're actually brother and sister. Anesthesiologist: Jesus Christ, how are you still awake?!

Perfect 90s album but no kidz bop, Kevin Costner movie soundtracks, or mixtapes from your ex

Age is not an indicator of a persons intelligence, i explain to the fireman trying to free my head from the revolving door

Overnight Oats are an easy way to start your day with something cold and clammy, a textural nightmare, a sensory prop labeled "iced brains" in a haunted house

I scream, you scream, we’re all screaming my god make it stop