Профиль

Love your energy.

it's called a ceramic mug because plate glass was taken

Should I eat two cheeseburgers? I think America would want me to.

A voicemail is just a letter that forces you to listen to someone breathe.

Air fryers are just toaster ovens for millennials who have crippling anxiety about preheating things.

Air fryers are just toaster ovens for millennials who have crippling anxiety about preheating things.

hating the same people is a love language

it’s so fucking hot I took off my shirt in the back yard and now I’m dating three of my neighbors

You should never say genitalia unless you’re wearing a stethoscope

Got thrown out of mime school for not putting silencers on my finger guns

me, a terrible actress: *stars in a one-woman autobiographical show* critic: congratulations. you just played yourself

[guy eating the potato salad at his wife’s funeral] she would have hated this

I’m that age now where many of my good heroes are dead and my bad heroes are dead to me. Sigh.

what's a good healthy coping mechanism to try for someone just getting into healthy coping mechanisms

Happy 4th anniversary to the rolling AA battery stuck in the back of the silverware drawer, quietly leaking acid into the corn skewers.

[on 1st date] Me: Have you ever spent a Summer sailing through the Greek Isles on a superyacht? Her: No, I’ve always wanted to Me: Same Me: *shows photo of sedan* this is my Civic, the A/C makes a clicking sound

"I'm training for a marathon," said the guy who walked to the mailbox and called it cardio.

There's probably at least one judge in America who is also a juggalo

There really should only be one i in isolation

It's dangerous to go alone. Take this (the key to the locked up deodorants at CVS)