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told the dog that the thunder is just god playing with his kong

it’s so fucking hot I took off my shirt in the back yard and now I’m dating three of my neighbors

maybe it IS the wrath of God you don't know

I wish I could focus with even half the concentration of my dog determining where to poop

you can’t scare me I own a 10X magnifying mirror

I don’t like waking up before the sun I don’t like waking up after sunrise either I don’t like waking up

now that the days are getting visibly shorter I’ll have more time to devote to insomnia

dolphin strandings are so relatable

diarrhea is trending and that is so on brand for our nation

so if I wake up with drool on my face does that mean the dog was dreaming about me?

new study finds that the Shroud of Turin is covered with food stains and animal DNA and I’ve never felt closer to Jesus

Yeah, well let’s see AI just try and take THIS job! * retires *

He told me I had nice teeth. He told me he loved my legs and my big brown eyes. It wasn’t so much a date as a livestock auction.

I’m bringing boob sweat back

lips that touch decaf shall never touch mine

I’m a drinker but not a screwdriver at the airport at 7:00 am drinker