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If you could read my mind I really wouldn’t.

I may not be the best thing happening to you, but I can definitely the most ridiculous

I don’t mean to brag, but, my Face ID doesn’t recognize me without a $5 foot-long in my mouth

When you get to the end of the hallway and find an enormous pile of hotdogs

I lost a decade somewhere. I don't want it back. I'm just curious as to where it went.

Pavlov’s dog had soft fur because of all the conditioning.

tickling me is a good way to ensure you’ll never see me again

hating the same people is a love language

if you plan to be high most of the day remove your bra now and thank me later

It's not eye contact if your eyes aren't physically touching each other

I don't know, a sleeper cell sounds kind of relaxing.

If you’re looking for something insightful from me…don’t.

Will we all be funnier at this hour when we’re on permanent daylight saving time

Sunny market days make me want to day drink.

Being a trad wife doesn't sound too bad except for the having a husband part.

Your bad idea or mine?

Ok, okay. Interesting. And are these people that 'find you funny' in the room with us now?

Look for the things that connect us.

I eat clean and boil water for my Brita filter. Just kidding I eat pills I found on the floor

Jesus would have told you to repost your enemies