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tonight i lifted heavier than one of the shiny gym boys and as a treat i gave myself an orgasm (don’t worry i cleaned up the leg press with some paper towels and mystery gym spray)

jimothy stole my husband but yeah sure keep on glazing that bastard

Why does every person that blasts music from their car have shitty taste in music?

Good moats make good neighbours.

Playing along to the sound of your heart with my didgeridoo.

Riffing on microblogging websites is how the middle aged mind stays sharp

A group of people who refuse to get help is called a family

there should be other taco instruments

Bro, I was going to compare thee to a summer's day, but bro you are far more lovely and way, WAY more temperate

I bet the Lorax would have loved the Screaming Trees

guillotina would be a great name for a girl

Everybody Wang Chung tonight NOW! YOU SON'S OF BITCHES!

why do they call it divorce proceedings instead of a prenope.

Same, Chex Mix, same.

how many fuck arounds does it take to find out

I murdered the dancefloor and felt no remorse.

I do this cute thing where I misinterpret a post but then comment anyway... it's just one of my many gifts

We had joy, we had fun Setting phasers now to stun

By expanding my vocabulary I easily doubled my entendres.

Happy Birthday!!