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RIP Chuck Berry you would have loved Meta Glasses

Some of y'all really fkn love your own face and it [repeatedly] shows

Sex move: on a date, when a guy shows total self-assurance as he hands you all the best pieces of bread from the bread basket without asking.

Me: Of course, you get blown into space, not sucked Date, frantically: can I get the bill please?

I’m at the age where if I sit a certain way for more than 5 minutes my entire lower body will fall asleep just to feel something

Now playing ▶️ #MST3K I Accuse My Parents

when there was only one set of footprints that was when I ghosted you

Do you guys remember Youtube before google bought it?

It's called Wing Stop because you go there once and you stop being able to afford wings.

😬😬😬

I think most people know I'm not flirting with them.

Get outside and soak up that full moon

Man. This government fucking sucks. #neverforget

I still don’t know how to pronounce Douthat and I plan to keep it that way

As compensation for Pluto, we have been awarded Betelgeuse A and Betelgeuse B

Where do I adopt a fuzzy potato?

Byron Allen sucks so bad lol

This is the most fitting dog name in the world! I love him!

Chili’s got me full and a gazillion calories on deck. BET. I had that smokehouse combo with ribs, both kinds of quesadillas, fries and loaded street corn Fucking. CHOICE.👌

I hear that love will save the day, wanna find out?