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This girl likes to get in my eyeline and let me know she’s ready for sunflower seeds, but like in a really chill way

Shitposts with backing vocals

Got fired from my job as an animal trainer because I was screaming at the snakes “like Dance Mom.”

ok im gonna take out the recycling and then wander off

In a past life, you were a Canadian goose and I was a car that you challenged to a duel in a Denny's parking lot. You won, of course, but you weren't so lucky with the next car. Sorry.

Not now sweetie mommy is freaking out

Gonna get a companion goose and name her Goosy Lawless. 🧐🪿

Don't you thumbs up emoji ME

r.i.p.: rest in potatoes

i wore white pants today and i did not bleed or poop in them, nor did i fall into any rogue mud puddles or encounter any popsicle-stained children i feel i deserve a large award

you know that Micro Machines guy ate pussy crazy style

ok THIS guy had me fooled, well done

I'm still healing from learning algebra be patient with me

he looks how i feel

my cat’s forehead smells like peanut butter where is her stash

Gardening like a mfer

what's a good healthy coping mechanism to try for someone just getting into healthy coping mechanisms

yet another day goes by where my dr won’t give me a prescription for a panda

First day as the office flirt but accidentally fumbled it by being Gollum

Can I send a letter sized envelope teaming full of tiny spiders through the mail? (Yes, but is it ethical?)