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Sitting in the dark in a Chinese restaurant because I thought dim sum sounded heavy, so I asked the waiter if dim sum light was available.

Me: I don't have a monkey on my back, but I do have a chimp on my shoulder. 500 lb gorilla: Wtf?

Purple, not broken. One would think i hate my toes. This is not true, im just careless with their wellbeing.

roses are red, if shoes rhymed with goes, tomorrow you’d

Was in bed for thirteen hours but I still need coffee man

A passion for opiates is just poppy love.

Park rangers: Don't pee in the bushes, it attracts bears. Me: My man, I'd rather risk dying by bear than see the aftermath of the horrifying events that took place in those washrooms

I can't believe someone at Toyota actually approved the name "Highlander" for a car knowing full well that it would limit their production capacity to "only one."

It’s harm day at the gym

I’m always pretty complimented that this medication thinks I have the skills to operate heavy machinery.

Might pretend I’ve got the explosive diarrhea bug to get out of having to go into the office for one or two days. What’s my boss going to do, ask for evidence?

accused of false valor for pretending my regular everyday diarrhea is the explosive variety

A female catholic official is: A) Priest of the Almighty B) Deacon of the Lord C) Bishop of the Risen D) Nun of the Above

Develop an affinity for your captors

I'm a soldier In a Greek horse I hide I'm one of Several others inside - Trojon Bon Jovi

There really should only be one i in isolation

...urbation world record

A 3-hr. movie? Do I get continuing ed. credit for this?

The difference between the old me & the new me, is the new me is getting old.

The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald