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Stop saying "log into a portal." Sounds way too cool for what's happening.

We all have that one friend who is a giant octopus. Big Dave

Birds are too quick and too far away to get a proper look at. That's why I've taken up slugwatching instead. You have all the time in the world

Is Greg here? I don’t see anything . . .

think i might do something radical today like invent the post-it

ME: (makes a sudden, insanely loud popping noise) GATORADE BOTTLE:

GifAlt: Steve Buscemi in The Wedding Singer, bopping and saying, Ooh, I like her.static.klipy.com

when my imaginary friend is feeling discouraged i give them a pep talk to let them know i believe in them

my crows don’t understand the concept of weekend

whenever an ad pops up on the show i’m watching, i look at my phone immediately so as not to be corrupted

On the contrary, I’m certain my houseguests’ delight in being entertained in my home IS a direct result of never colliding with the rear sliding glass door, thanks to all the visible dog slobber

I will gladly watch your dog whenever you need but there's one thing you must know and it's non-negotiable: When I am eating a piece of cheese, your dog will also be eating a little piece of cheese.

Being totally professional by getting to the office before 7am and waiting impatiently for my Uncrustable to thaw before my meeting

I passed a guy in the street who was saying to a woman, "The euphoria … it was just incredible. I can see how people get addicted," so I lingered in front of them and it turned out they were talking about claw machines

gosh dang jen, you’re fucking late

I just picked an orange off my tree and ate it. It's hot outside so the orange was warm. (hashtag warm orange summmer)

Here at Greeneville Zoo we do things a little differently. All of our animals (yes even the snakes) wear socks, for example.

Café. Zoom meetings at a café are revolting & ill-mannered unless they end with a woman saying, like the woman two tables down just said, in a newscaster-y voice, “I guess we’re all saying yes when we mean no, Dan. The truth is you’re unclear, & freaked out, & we feel that.”

I refuse to use my powers either for good or for evil. Mostly I just use them to make dachshunds very slightly longer

Mr. Gorbachev, turn down for what