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Time for my dreams to turn my fears into weird little plays

Had a dream I was stuck on a one-lane behind an old woman driving a "Nissan Cleric"

More like the Male Homieless Epidemic! These men need homies

Little Women 2: Even Littler

Everyone loves the cool way I am miserable

I’m calm in a crisis, nervous on vacation, and relaxed on most elevators. But not all

A new software update is available! Bug fixes: Computer now makes incredibly loud kookaburra noises in the middle of the night > Update now / Remind me later

Feels like everyone is having a bad time most of the time in these times

I’m doing the best I can, and also the worst I can get away with

Bringing a bag of flamin hot cheetohs back to 7 eleven and demanding to speak to the person responsible for them

There but for the grace of never leaving the house go I

Currently seeing Jeff Rosenstock for the second of a potentially unlimited number of times this week

hygienist: let me know if you experience any discomfort or sensitivity *punches me in the balls*

Lmao, Dan…. what the fuck. I believe the animals choose to die in your presence

Sick of being courageously defeated by my foes

Been getting really into the mysterious deep dark pit lately.

“I hate food, but I love chewing!” -The inventor of gum

ME: *closes menu* WAITER: did you just call them brussell sports

Fool me once, why are you doing this? I thought we were friends! Fool me twice, I collapse in sobs. This world is hell

leaving threatening voicemails to myself