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ME: do you have any specials PHARMACIST: what

Are we still maxxing things or

She loves me, she loves me knot - pirates

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex BABY:

Dear Tesla owners your car can drive better than you so for fuck’s sake just let it

LION BANKER: good news your loan is approved ME: *shakes his paw* lol ᴾᴿᴱᴰᴬᵀᴼᴿʸ ᴸᴱᴺᴰᴵᴺᴳ

INTERVIEWER: you mentioned that you’re bilingual can you give me an example ME [in spanish]: no

Every time a politician speaks a kitten loses a toe bean

Sometimes I want to put my phone in a microwave and melt it down and then put it into a jello mold and refrigerate it for an appropriate amount of time and then throw the whole jello onto a highway

Britch, please

Do trial attorneys get super excited when they see an ‘object on road’ sign

[pumping gas] ME: almost finished WIFE: omg can you crack a window

ME: *closes menu* WAITER: did you just call them brussell sports