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Recently a family member told me he didn’t “get” my crush on John Leguizamo and I don’t know why I didn’t just show him this photo

sometimes, we could all use

shoot

why would ross dou that

i'm eeping

I lived 41 years on this earth without hollandaise sauce, then a week ago I had hollandaise poutine and everything changed. Last night I enjoyed my first eggs benedict. Why did the people in my life let me live like this? Why did the world keep this secret from me? Obnoxious.

The lid for the tupperware you just bought only fits the tupperware you used to have.

shoot

if i don’t post until tomorrow it will have been a whole week

if you’re having a bad day at work imagine how an astronaut feels when they drop their phone into the space toilet

that ice cream sandwich woke up every ancestor i've ever had and they all gave me one slow approving nod

I wish all passive aggressive people a 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘥𝘢𝘺, 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺.

Why is it an insult to call some place a “one-horse town?” They’re doing okay. They’ve got a horse

honey, i made you breakfast

generation next was the real forgotten generation

specially formulated breakfast mustard

*in the confessional, i lean real close to the screen & whisper* did you know that jerry’s dad was played by two different actors? *an audible sigh comes from the other side* can we stop talking about seinfeld?

used a new super glue today so yes i will be peeling it off my hands all day

hi

"kiddo will eat when they are hungry and you can set rules around mealtimes" it turns out kids are actually quite willing to not eat! and when "turn on an episode of octonauts" is the only way your child will get enough calories in them, well, you turn on the episode, end of story