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Looks like somebody has some Tupperware issues

The lid for the tupperware you just bought only fits the tupperware you used to have.

Lol I have now

My cat thinks he’s doing me a favour when he lets me pet him and he absolutely is.

I finally got them all back in the can but accidentally put the lid back on the wrong end of the tube and now I'm right back where I started.

and airplane food

I wouldn't know :)

HA! That thing happened! We're so screwed lol

They also don't wear cleats so...

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

ME: When looksmaxxers get arrested, do they have mogshots taken SURGEON: How are you still even awake??

PROTEINMAXXXING (I ate a narwhal)

what if cats sense you’re dying a little inside and biscuits is just kitty cpr

NASA: looks like we might have sent the wrong astronaut [cut to me trying recapture all the pringles chips that have escaped their container]

Trying to post jokes about current events while deliberately avoiding all current events.

FLAT EARTHER: *tries to throw me the frisball but doesn't believe in gravity so it rockets off into space*

Age is not an indicator of a persons intelligence, i explain to the fireman trying to free my head from the revolving door

Calculating how many Frank's Red Hot sauce packets I need to steal from the hospital cafeteria to cover the copay

ME: throw me the ball FLAT EARTHER: you mean this frisbee?

ME: [working out] this isn't working out