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are you…are you trying to tell me that this guy wrote the odyssey?

one time i took a nap that was so deep & so solid that when i woke up i thought i lived in the cretaceous period.

the sears cashier, ringing up 40 denim jackets: okay, will this be all for you? me: oh, do you have more in the back?

my wife, at her birthday party that i planned, hearing we are the world for the 20th time: are there any other songs on your playlist? me: no.

one time when i was a teenager i asked a girl out & she said no so fast that i experienced time dilation.

me: can you please give me back my limp bizkit cd? my grandma: i’m still making copies for my friends.

the cashier at 7-eleven calls me the crème de la crème of loitering.

return of the psychopath: last year i got sick & was bedridden for about a week when i got a phone call from the president of arby’s who wanted to know where the hell i was. you see, i had been eating nothing but arby’s roast beef sandwiches every day for around 10 to 17 years. i was