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I don’t have road rage. I have performance reviews for other drivers

yes of COURSE your dick is the prettiest princess at the balls

everytime i think ive just read the last one ever, another sisyphus joke drops

my gamer friends: the way this game plays with the encumbering-ness of everyday tasks to force you into a sense of frustrated inefficacy really serves the narrative's interest in alienation me: this fire puppy has a sassy nature. it's garbage. it will never defeat the grass lady

I'm just a boy, standing in front of a girl as my organs suddenly become translucent. She lays me down and plays them like a glass harp, a haunting amelodic melody. DNA sheet music, and it's a Sonata of Fuck

Before: Fuck it, I'm gonna cut my own hair. After:

my own personal version of The Odyssey is that time me and my bros had an epic adventure navigating through Winston-Salem to find a Ween concert because we dropped acid way to early

…and i took a wrong turn and found myself in the weirdest little place [me] omg was it the internet

Thinking about the time i went to a planetarium and someone booed when they showed the earth

pronouncing “i’m hella sad” as “i’m good!”

Will you still need me Will you still feed me When I shrink the kids

mr potato head, I put it to you that not only is your head a potato but your entire body too, you are entirely potato sir, how do you respond

LA moots: does anyone have a cat that takes methimazole for hyperthyroid?

It’s eating at me that so many of you haven’t seen the movie Soylent Green

Oh you ran half a marathon? I give half a shit.

Grover and unwell Kermit Watercolour on Yupo paper

Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve douche?

I’ve started referring to myself in the third person as “the carcass.”

osama bin cummed in

welp nothing left but to embrace it i guess