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The sexiest thing a man can do is weed the garden and water the flowers.

Sacrificed myself by diving off a high tower to close a dimensional portal and all I got was this lousy social media account.

thinking about when millennials pissed everyone off by claiming they invented avocado toast. that was some world class trolling

The overwhelming sense of ugh.

I play D&D because *gestures at everything*

Every time you speak, the elephant in the room does jerk-off motions behind your back.

Me: *wishes upon a star* Star: *is immediately swallowed by a black hole*

We had joy, we had fun Setting phasers now to stun

may your email be the yacht and my reply be a pod of orcas

why is it always incandescent why can’t i be bioluminescent with rage

the design in my latte was a mushroom cloud is that good

I'm so influenced by the internet that I looked in disbelief at the Moon tonight because it's absolutely blindingly white.

the only time I get scared is when I'm happy..she said as AmericanPie lifted off filling her mangled heart as sex white knuckled the summer curtains so don't make me happy,love for I can’t bear the inevitable sadness that finds it #brokenpoet

monday

The entire point of professional bull riding is just to hang on as if that isn’t what we’re all doing all the time

searching for humanity in people’s eyes today in a government run building that is designed to make us hate each other as a treat

Pressing random buttons, you're my only hope.

Whenever they say you have mental issues, ask "according to whose standards?"

My therapist said I should free my inner child. Meanwhile my inner child: