Профиль

No, I'm not "sprawling on my belly nude on the ground like a pervert", it's called splooting, and it's a common way animals in nature stay cool during hot weather

Never forget who makes the rocking world go round.

Every time a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of wings on my front porch to show them what I'm capable of.

[baby court] ME: I’d like to remind the defendant that I still have his nose

instruct me how to douglass

tv detective who detectives too hard and discovers they're in a TV show

I just saw a burglar kicking his own door in. I asked what are you doing? He said working from home (This awful joke brought to you by my uncle)

[wine & paint night] Wife: wtf is that Me: Rihanna fighting Godzilla in machu picchu Wife: Drunk Guy Behind Me: that's fuckin rad

Bras are the equivalent to the storage capacity of a squirrels cheeks

#books #writing

Effervescent is just a polite way of saying fuckervescent

Thinking about the time i went to a planetarium and someone booed when they showed the earth

The Many Breasts of Mr. Sex

turns out stupid hot people aren't all that hot

make the sun jealous by flashing your boobs to the moon tonight

Me: look how strong I am! I'm crushing watermelons with my thighs! Don't let a catch like me get away ladies and gentlemen Produce manager: you're paying for all these melons

Insult cellist Yo Ma Ma

Great job 👏

TITTIES Now that I have your attention I would like to discuss a extremely important matter STILL TITTIES Thank you for your time