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I've got a bad habit, and the nuns are armed to the teeth.

Magician [inviting me on stage]: and for my greatest trick, I'll make this guy's anxiety disappear! [ten minutes later] Magician [sweating]: dude what the hell

me have amnesia? just who do you think I am

I’m at my favourite part in the book I’m reviewing rn, some huge symbolism which I’ll try to share with you all in layperson terms. *steeples fingers* she’s about to use a big green dildo on herself so she doesn’t fuck a raptor human hybrid. So you see, it’s about the duality of man

ME: what the fuck does wtf mean FRIEND: what the fuck ME: right? like what the fuck

Using figurative language is great if you like to obscure your true meaning beneath a stack of metaphors left to interpretation. Then, and only then, will you receive your participation trophy.

"Whats your sign?" Me:

me: every time i post something i get stressed afterward i think i have ‘post’ traumatic stress disorder my gynecologist: what

BARISTA: can i get a name for the order RUMPELSTILTSKIN: uhhh

I'm going to defeat the diarrhea lettuce in the marketplace of ideas

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: okay turn around ME: bnυoɿɒ

[first date] Him: So what do you do? Her: I’m a toxicologist. Him: So you study all my exes?

Into the hobbit hole it goes

Sexting in my best Gollum voice because I heard you’re into role play.

Being a boss bitch in this elevator by coyly telling the one guy in here that ‘I fart like I fuck’ after I accidentally let one rip.

There's a mad man in all of us, chained to an obsidian spire that neutralizes his power. Regardless, his whispers leak out sometimes and dig their way into our brain.

God bless the troops and all that but who cares if squirt is a little bit pee

I hope this email defibrilates your cold dead heart.

I worked for blockbuster video when I was a teenager and I have never forgiven people for not rewinding