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I lived 41 years on this earth without hollandaise sauce, then a week ago I had hollandaise poutine and everything changed. Last night I enjoyed my first eggs benedict. Why did the people in my life let me live like this? Why did the world keep this secret from me? Obnoxious.

Having successfully delivered on his promise to reduce egg prices, President Trump now turns his attention to prescription drug costs.

Hey that's crazy, I had a very similar counter proposal in mind! What are the odds?

The democratization of football worldwide is when the Kushners and a bunch of other Trump goons make a pile of money

Our scumbag idiot president's buffoonish corruption is spreading to all corners of the globe

The Dashers, in theaters summer 2027

Me: how many more sets do you have? Sisyphus:

"So just last week, you said we will build a Dyson sphere to power the data centers. Just one question: are you out of your goddamn mind?"

A combination of words previously thought by scientists to be impossible

The right ring media.

LeBron James is gonna go out on the Jersey shore

Poe had quite the imagination!

Mom can you please send me some cash? Yeah they won't let me access my X bank account until I admit that Elon is funny

"Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?" "No Storm, we broke up. You could say she's my..." *lowers sunglasses* *eye beams obliterate Storm*

i would like for my tombstone to read: you're allowed to dig this one up, you won't get in trouble

I would advise against having a mouthful of dog shit, actually

This is based on the classic short story "Montresor and the Kool-Aid Man" by Edgar Allan Poe, in case that wasn't clear

*pointing at a picture of mitch mcconnell in hospital* me: rigor tortoise

Do they also happen to have a bridge I can buy?

No you are