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how many fuck arounds does it take to find out

Being human is so embarrassing

Science!

NEW MONKEY JUST DROPPED e360.yale.edu/digest/colob...

They say some people only use 10% of their phone battery.

My co-worker showed me their new shirt, and my response was "Everyone involved in that purchase should be arrested."

In pitches, no matter what the subject is, I say that "It's a meditation on _______." Everyone nods because they want to seem deep and like they get it.

I just read The Odyssey for the first time, and I hate to be that guy, but I found several different parts to be highly unlikely. I definitely think the author took some creative liberties.

["Jurassic Park," bad idea cut] SCIENTIST: This is a really bad idea. HAMMOND: *sigh* I suppose you're right. Shut it down. THE END

Mitch McConnell released a statement that he is not yet ready to return to work, and will reevaluate his status when he is less dead.

If the movies have taught me anything, it's that a great way to get people to hug you and sob uncontrollably is to keep repeating "It's not your fault."

Everything

would the gentleman care for a kick in the groin? no charge

PIN Number ATM Machine UPC Code LCD Display We regret to inform you that this phenomenon has a name: RAS Syndrome. Redundant Acronym Syndrome…Syndrome.

Love the expressions

Always, baby

I am still on the fence about it.

You had me at Shark Week. You had me at Shark Week…

But it can be at any time