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Stop settling for reply guy energy when you could have viral shit poster energy 🤌🏼

give a man a fish and he’ll selfie with it for dating sites

A vacuum sealer is basically a machine that hugs food really tight

it’s funny how people are almost MORE judgmental when you wet your pants sober

Me: *loudly speaking in tongues* Guy in stall next to me: *weeping*

GIVE THE MAN A FISH AND MAKE HIM GO AWAY ALREADY I HAVE OTHER SHIT TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW.

nice 𝙒𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙏𝙤 𝙇𝙞𝙫𝙚 you got there, got any extra?

“Have you tried just letting go?” ~ me as a therapist “Whatever you do, don’t let go!” ~ me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor It was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up, I can tell you…

Man: I don’t watch WWE. It’s not real Me: *crying over a man wearing jorts * IT’S MORE REAL THAN THAT ORGASM I FAKED

there I was eating the spring roll, and that's when I realized- oh no, the mint, is it like lettuce? is this going to kill me? did I make it through everything to die of this delicious bite? so anyway I dipped it in the peanut sauce and took another bite

A group of people who refuse to get help is called a family

Bluesky is adult day care...act accordingly.

Walking into the woods, never to return, for my mental health.

*checking box to be an organ donor Me: yes pls make sure a nice person gets my vagina DMV clerk:

i have no idea what that means *like*

Stop. You had me at “Let’s leave before it gets crowded.”

Vicks is just spicy vaseline

Not to brag, but sometimes, if I start a movie before 5 PM, I can stay awake for the whole thing.

Hope my insurance covers meatball therapy

May I introduce my daughters, Makayla, Makenzie, and Macabre