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God I’m so sick of perfect, beautiful people. Glad you guys are here

The exchange rate from dirty to magnificent is clearly a dozen to seven. Honestly I’m not sure magnificence is worth getting over 40% less.

Gefilte fish frittata, anyone?

Insane that I alone am the protagonist here on planet Earth. What are the odds?

Just a reminder… Pizza is pizza when you bake it up, then you let it cool down and eat. youtu.be/yCL7pcScGqE?...

Cartoon Planet 2012: Brak - Pizza SongYouTube video by Domino's Domainyoutu.be

I woke up early and meditated why isn’t the universe just handing me billions of dollars?

When you get to the end of the hallway and find an enormous pile of hotdogs

YOU ARE AMAZING ⭐ if you are evil please disregard this message

A plantain is just a banana who joined the Peace Corps.

[inside of a Trojan horse]: ugh is someone reheating fish in here

The list of body parts that don’t hurt is shorter.

joining the rotary just to go around a few times

when my imaginary friend is feeling discouraged i give them a pep talk to let them know i believe in them

It's so embarrassing when you drink too much at a party and pass out on the couch. Man, I shouldn't have done all those shots of warm milk and chamomile tea.

taco bell tamale tuba chalupa cello gordita gong

one time on the school bus the driver stopped to point out some graffiti on a stop sign. the artist wrote “BICTH!” and the driver said if you’re going to vandalize something you should at least spell it correctly, and I’ve always tried to take that advice to heart

I’m so sick of being competent. from now on I am baby.

Are you there, God? It's me, the guy who makes creepy Judy Blume references

It's not so much the words of the song as they are written for anybody to sing but in this moment they are just for this moment as if it's spontaneous. Can universes plan intelligently for karaoke? We're inclined to think they never would

And when there was only one set of footprints in the sand, o my child, that was when I blocked you.