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one time at work my boss was explaining something pretty complicated to me that i needed to get done & that it was really important that i get it right & while he was talking i remember thinking to myself, “i wonder where i can get some flan?”

I have a little headache, could someone send someone to come over and pet my little head

Sometimes you just need a big tub of carryout beef lo mein to get yourself sorted.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. That or you have to dig your way through the walls while the angels bet on it like a horse race.

bro do you even fathom

Damn them clouds are cumulothiccus

One thing video games have over film is collecting shards. Regardless of how big Christopher Nolan goes with his camera, his movies will never allow us to collect shards.

how in the SHIT do you become a cheesemonger

Get in, loser. I forgot where I’m going. Get in, loser.

feels pretty special to see both diary and diarrhea in national headlines at the same time ✨

[after replacing the reflecting pool lining] oh also we found mitch

Guy in Arkansas who's fuming mad because the mayor of New York City opened up a discount grocery store a thousand miles away

"trans women aren't a monolith" speak for yourself, I am massive and rock hard

*putting a fitness watch connected to strava on a wild coyote to fuck with my runner friends who bullied me onto the app*

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR : okay pull into the driveway ME: 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘳𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘸𝘢𝘺🤏

#NewStrainSunday presents: OG ESSENCE THUNDERFUCK It's like when you have a dream you're using the toilet but wake up in your own piss

I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

It's dangerous to go alone. Take this (the key to the locked up deodorants at CVS)

All I know is, this Lo Pan character comes out of thin air in the middle of a god damn alley, while his buddies are flying around, cuttin' everybody to shreds, and he stands there, waiting for me to drive my truck straight through him, with light comin' out of his mouth!