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asking a sports bar if they have the game on (shark week)

guys I’m sad about Glen Hansard. one of my bucket list live shows I wish I had seen

mitch mcconnell can come back but they can’t help him reset his password

shark attack victim: no i don’t blame the shark for eating my leg. i was in its home, invading its space. watching tv way too loud. i invited sketchy friends over, they stole its playstation. honestly i’m surprised the shark didn’t eat more of me

choosing to dislike the odyssey not because of the diverse cast or because it misses homer’s point but a secret third reason (i’m broke)

hey if you’re looking for a place to dump your money i have a venmo

every Shark Week™️ they mention coconuts kill more people than sharks but Discovery has yet to capitalized on Coconut Week™️

none of the text-based posting apps have released fonts or even basic bold/italics formatting options for the same reason private schools make kids wear uniforms. they’re afraid we’ll form posting gangs. and honestly? they should be

wait are my tax dollars paying for mitch’s time in purgatory

every bigfoot eyewitness: the first thing i noticed was the stench, it was awful bigfoot turning off tv, holding back tears: well that’s the last time i put myself out there

rawdogging this 20 min drive. no book, no phone. just the road and my undivided attention

ebenezer boldly asks the question what if johnny depp played a weird guy whose abusive past was magically forgotten

funding cuts are killing pepple because the world’s richest political larper got too hyper

perhaps all men

day 3 no pausa de hidratacion

pretty concerning we still don’t know where mitch is. he could be anywhere at this point. in your backseat, for example

raphael: we’re kind of freaks. should we go out in public? splinter: this is new york baby, you’ll fit right in michelangelo: cowabunga splinter: you stay in the sewer

one of these teams didn’t belong in the finals

imagine getting humiliated in front of the entire world by the random baby you bathed nearly 20 years ago