Профиль

[Turtle shows up at the bar...] Turtle: Hi, what are your Happy Hour specials? Bartender: We closed 3 hours ago.

spaghetti, for when you want your food to gently spank your face

This craft beer costs more than a regular six-pack but at least it's a four-pack.

*Shuts down laptop.* I think that's enough internet for today. *Picks up phone* Let's see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

i bet the hardest part about moving in with someone is matching up your tupperware

putting a stripper pole in my living room…if you build it they will come

who do we want? the funk soul brother when do we want him? right about now

One time I was in a chat and one guy asked "How do you even give someone diarrhea?" and another guy said "ziplock bag".

Me when I want a week off from work

If anyone needs me, I’ll be microwaving lettuce

Come over, I have the entire Police Academy series on BetaMax and a six pack of Zima.

Your dog hates fireworks. My dog is chasing me with a roman candle because she celebrates liberty