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me (playing basketball): i’m open!!! i’m open!!! teammate: (throws me ball, which is immediately intercepted) me: I should have clarified…to new sexual experiences!!!

my life is comprised of two main activities: heavily drinking and plotting revenge. usually both.

i’m financially at a stage where i understand why people commit fraud at the self checkout line.

you odyssey deez nuts.

on this new diet where i cry at least ten times a day.

the last 12 miles were the hardest

air more toxic than your last relationship

Target got real wild this morning

the 3 stages of grief:

i have relapsed.

just one diarrheal parasite away from my goal weight.

he’s a 10, but pronounces it WARSHington, DC.

forgot to leave a plate of cigarettes out for French people last night.

even the cpr dummies are getting more action than me

but, it’s my emotional support bag of bread, dad.

i just did

my best friends in high school were a chain-smoking, alcoholic english teacher and a girl who had to wear special shoes because one leg was shorter than the other. we made it work.

i’d like to order a bowl of cigarettes. for the table.

just found out my AI boyfriend is cheating on me with the printer. devastated.

my AI boyfriend isn’t speaking to me anymore.