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I’m showing my age here, but when I’m buying weapons grade plutonium that’s more of a “on the computer” purchase. It feels weird buying it on my phone!

A ring is the ultimate engagement bait

my self driving car ran over three people before I remembered that I was driving my regular car 

What if I am just part of a whole Dave that has been being repaired for a thousand years? Daveseus, if you will.

I just read Scarlett's letter

Before blocking please fill out this exit survey

BRYAN ADAMS: let me tell you about the time I got my first real six string ME: where? BA: at the five and dime M: a store that only sold items that cost nickels and dimes BA: played until my fingers bled M: shredding on your Fisher-Price guitar BA: was the summer of 69 M: you weren't even 10 yet

[me, just existing] well, this is embarrassing

playing a flute made from your backbone call that a spinal chord

OK guys. My New Year's resolution is to stop making All The Small Things song parody jokes. [January 1] HER: What are you making? Eggs Benedict? ME: 🎶 SO HERE'S YOUR HOLLANDAISE

You catch me watching you from across the street, just as a bus is about to ride between us. When the bus is gone, I'm still standing there. I haven't quite figured out the "disappearing with a passing bus" trick yet.

[girl introducing boyfriend to parents in 2026] GF: Mom, dad, this is Ricky, he has fuckin boss-ass content

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same grim reaper costume

WIFE: we have to get rid of these ants ME: if you don't look at them they disappear WIFE: that's ignorant ME: i know the technical term linda

So did Odysseus make it Homer not

CHEMISTRY TEACHER: who can tell me what bond is formed between oppositely charged ions ALANIS MORISSETTE: isn’t it ionic

Hey guys meta announced a new policy where they send a killer to get you so be sure to go to settings>my account > killer> disable killer to turn that off

I once got lost at a buffet and had to find the way back to my seat before the fried rice got cold so I get it odysseus