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Pulling out my old, dusty edition of the Necronomicon, my fingers reverently sliding over the flesh bound page, turning thoughtfully to the Rites of the Abdead, finding the exact line to finally explain to my son, "what exactly is going on with Mitch McConnell?"

being a billionaire and on the internet all day is crazy to me. if i had even five million dollars, you would not find me online whatsoever.

The Kool Aid Man ladles directly from his head, saying "Take this when you are thirsty and drink, for this is my blood"

It's amazing how quiet the patio at brunch can get when you say "werewolf erotica" a little too forcefully

In the immortal words of my 3rd Grade Basketball Coach: walk it off

I mean, what can you do?

The Raven King had trapped me in a oubliette for betraying the trust of all birds

Well.... really I just got back to posting, so I have a backlog of nonsense

You're in her DMs, I'm stuck in a liminal space shaped by her memory of my greatest failings

Burger King and Dairy Queen stretching out their hands to touch a final time as Hamburglar releases the guillotines, the peasantry roars

I don't want to "explore generative AI" or "diversify my Digital Wallet", I want to "swear fealty to the Raven King" and "Learn the One True Name of all Shadows"

I cleaned the house this morning and uncovered a smaller, angrier house underneath.

Hey so turns out discovering why we used to have all those food safety regulations in the first place is not all that much fun

I’m apparently on a block list called “Suffocating Joke Accounts,” and you know what? That’s fair.

There is no Dr. Jekyll, it’s all Mr. Hyde.

Calculating how many Frank's Red Hot sauce packets I need to steal from the hospital cafeteria to cover the copay

Our hearts were never intended to see this much Peyton Manning

The last time I “read a book” I learned that there’s a skeleton inside my body. Never again.

if I said you had a beautiful body would you let me into the morgue

Age is not an indicator of a persons intelligence, i explain to the fireman trying to free my head from the revolving door