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the muppets take kharg island

[me, just existing] well, this is embarrassing

Yeah hi doc, what can you give me for restless leg syndrome but in my brain?

Somehow I always thought that being on the right side of history would probably feel better than this.

maybe baby likes it in the corner, johnny maybe sitting in the corner allows her to see all angles of the room but did you ask her? no you’re too busy pelvis thrusting

Sex ed was pretty basic in the day. One time my mother used a garden hose to spray two dogs fucking while a bunch of us waited at the bus stop

It’s 1994. You’re in 7th grade. You can now identify a white Ford Bronco in an instant without hesitation. The original PlayStation has been launched in Japan. “Kissed by a Rose” is your summer theme song. You can’t stop quoting Rafiki from the Lion King because he’s wiser than your parents.

Let me shave your legs, baby. It'll be sexy. [later] They said to keep putting pressure on it till the ambulance gets here.

Forgive me father for I have enjoyed a streaming rom-com merely because the actress was super hot

I'm guessing I'm back youtu.be/lLdv3ngkeJs?...

The American president and the dumbest motherfucker on Earth should be two different people.

It's amazing how quiet the patio at brunch can get when you say "werewolf erotica" a little too forcefully

I'm not even sure I can eat anymore faces, I'm pretty full of face actually -Leopards right now

I hate it here, but lyrically somehow

Blood of my Blood

everyone out doing the jimothy and i'm still recovering from moo deng

i bet the hardest part about moving in with someone is matching up your tupperware

(nudging gf awake) hey how come no one makes bundt cakes anymore

I'm only learning French so I can sound extra condescending.

The Kool Aid Man ladles directly from his head, saying "Take this when you are thirsty and drink, for this is my blood"