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I don't want the ashes of my loved ones turned into stones, gems, glass. I want them turned into bouillon cubes

🎶 Vangelis "Chariots of Fire" starts playing 🎶

Tim: what should we name our company Ken: how about KENTIM Tim: wait no I have a better idea

me: What a good looking baby. How old? them: Thank you! She’s 15 months. me: So she’s 1…

Someone at work just seriously said wildfires are worse now "because they're getting rid of all the goats and sheep that used to eat it" I'm fucking dumbstruck, but torn between arguing and just fantasising about fire-eating goats

the average american streams eight spider-man movies in their sleep each year

Don’t judge yourself. That’s your cat’s job.

*eating a cottage cheese sandwich* lol who told you bsky isn’t cool all my bsky friends are cool

RIP Socrates You would have loved reddit

When two lovebirds land on an electric fence, this is what it sounds like when doves fry.

I am ready for the wildfire smoke to shimmy on elsewhere. Preferably an alternate dimension or Hell.

“gay sex is unnatural because it doesn’t result in procreation,” said the guy who made me jealous of gay sex

body autonomy

No, I would describe her bitch face as very active. I doubt it ever rests.

Sorry. *shrug* I would, but on Monday night I dance naked under the worm moon to invoke an ancient curse on anyone who asks if I can do one more thing if I have time.

I dunno, I'd let a few wild horses drag me away

This feels like a trap.

milestone reached: after telling me my whole life that I can do better, the parents have finally accepted that I can’t yayayay

If a magician actually saws someone in half, I hope they yell “Abracadaver!”

I’ve been reading a Hardy Boys book to my son at bedtime and it’s insane. They have multiple conversations with one another that take place while they are both riding separate motorcycles.