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*breathes in 4 counts, breathes out 8, until the world stops spinning so fast*

Finishing off a jar of garlic stuffed olives... at least I'm safe from vampires

Say “Hmm, the feed server appears to be offline” one more damn time

Might take a hammer to this lying mirror we call reality later

I forgot the rules are if a rich white cishet gets criticized by a trans woman, the trans woman must be brought out into the square and flogged for disrespect

Due to my lack of income, my wife no longer finds me fiscally attractive.

I Brushed My Teeth But Now I Want A Midnight Snack: A Tale of Heartache and Desire

Your last saved meme is your moral philosophy

If you see this post your mentor

George Carlin on The American DreamAlt: George Carlin on The American Dreamstatic.klipy.com

no one should listen to me it's the first rule of professor kiosk club

pr0n is short for pr0norgraphi

If you misplace your spliff, is that a dislocated joint?

is this the line to audition for the furious transgender mob?

One time on LSD my penis looked me dead in the eye and told me her name was Sheila and she’d really appreciate it if I brought her to Lilith Fair.

introducing myself as “i have had a vasectomy” at the speed dating social

If nothing else, can we all agree that the new brake pad division is the future of Callahan Auto? #TommyBoy

land lord: bad sea lady: GOOD

I’m choosing violence. Miracle Whip is better than Dukes Mayo but Hellmans is better than Miracle Whip. Cool Whip tops them all but Reddi Whip is the clear winner.