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I bet he wishes he wore something to shield his face from the sun… Oh, wait

I don’t care how old I am… If I walk by a toy in a store that has a "Try Me" sticker on it, I'm pushing that button!

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

Apparently, there is a Patron Saint of copying people on an email. It's St. Francis of a CC…

Uranus is a tesseract. Don’t freak out.

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you didn't overthink everything? I think about it all the time.

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scientific fact: 63 Earths can fit in Uranus Also fact. I will never be able to say this with a straight face…

So I called the SPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods with a fox and four cubs." "That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?" "I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

Hi punsters! Screenshot is of Pundown’s recent competition results. My favorite of the bunch for the FASHION & PROFESSIONS theme is “Dior to Dior Salesman.” pundown.com/?ref=mzb @pundown.com

A photographer was tragically crushed when a massive block of cheddar fell on him. In fairness, the people he was photographing tried to warn him.

I'm in search for someone to assist with milking cows on my dairy farm. Must work well with udders.

Doctor: Relax, Susan. It's just a small surgery, don't panic. Me: But my name isn't Susan. Doctor: I know. I'm Susan.

Hey, not to brag, but I'm on hold and my call is very important to them.

"?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA" - reverse psychology

Bouncer: "I'm going to have to ask you to leave." Me: “Why?” Bouncer: “I don’t know who you are and this is my trampoline.”

Husband: I want you to have this bracelet, it belonged to my grandmother.. Wife: why does it say “do not resuscitate?”

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes...now I have Heinzsight

I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.

What do you call Iron Man without his suit? Stark naked!