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I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now. I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

Bruce Willis went shopping... ...and he overheard a fellow customer say, "Yipee-ki-yay!" Without thinking he yelled out, "Motherfucker!" Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked. He looked at the crowd of people and said, "Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard."

Apparently, there is a Patron Saint of copying people on an email. It's St. Francis of a CC…

When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid… She becomes a Def Leppard.

I don’t care how old I am… If I walk by a toy in a store that has a "Try Me" sticker on it, I'm pushing that button!

A robot walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Sorry," the bartender says, "but we don't serve robots." The robot replies, "Someday you will."

And today, I'm wearing pink to raise awareness for people like me… Who forget to separate red laundry from white laundry.

I asked seven billionaires, “What's the secret to your success?" and they all said the same thing… "How did you get into my mansion?"

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scientific fact: 63 Earths can fit in Uranus Also fact. I will never be able to say this with a straight face…

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you didn't overthink everything? I think about it all the time.

So I called the SPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods with a fox and four cubs." "That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?" "I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

What's the definition of a ring of fire? When you mistake Bengay for preparation H.

Hi punsters! Screenshot is of Pundown’s recent competition results. My favorite of the bunch for the FASHION & PROFESSIONS theme is “Dior to Dior Salesman.” pundown.com/?ref=mzb @pundown.com

Interviewer: what's you're biggest weakness? Me: I'm too honest. Interviewer: I don't think that's really a weakness. Me: I don't really give a damn what you think.

A photographer was tragically crushed when a massive block of cheddar fell on him. In fairness, the people he was photographing tried to warn him.

I'm in search for someone to assist with milking cows on my dairy farm. Must work well with udders.

Doctor: Relax, Susan. It's just a small surgery, don't panic. Me: But my name isn't Susan. Doctor: I know. I'm Susan.

Hey, not to brag, but I'm on hold and my call is very important to them.

Husband: I want you to have this bracelet, it belonged to my grandmother.. Wife: why does it say “do not resuscitate?”