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for centuries, man has dreamed of creating a toilet with a conscience...

every night before bed you should have your family pass through a hula hoop if any of them have been replaced by puppet people the invisible wires will catch on the hoop

thinking about weaving a tangled web if anyone wants to join

my hair is always kinda fucked up because whenever i pass a mirror i just check out my boobs and move on

the mythical lesbian. some say they’re real. could it be?

when women have a midlife crisis they call it something like "the lunal equinox phase"

I don’t chase people. I quietly assume they don’t like me and then disappear

I'm 1 of 3 sisters, so take this writing tip from me: never have anyone call their sister "sis". Calling them "dude" is much more realistic

we're getting reports that the jeopardy guy is a dipshit

ordered some cute panties and a new skirt. classic combo

scrotum? more like scrotYUM (i don't know where I'm going with this, nowhere i guess)

Everyone is truly the worst

it is once again right and good to punch every nerd you see wearing glasses

cop: did he send any texts around the time of the crash? cop 2: he sent a post that reads "padding my three track album with 26 skits and interludes" cop: not bad but it ain't going viral cop 2: posting isn't just about going viral cop: (sighs) not this shit again

Big news! We now have our very own teen wolf on display, at least until the Department of Social Services steps in.

[public enemy hype voice] bring the cheese

i hope james carville gets eaten by a pack of coyotes

[getting fucked] whatever you do please don’t fuck me in the ass

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every blowjob is a battle between good and evil